Finding The Child

And I came to the place where the Guard was standing,
And could feel the thickness of the walls he was guarding.

And he would not let us in,
So we sat, and felt the walls,
And felt the hurt,
Until we remembered we were the same thing

And the guard was scared,
And felt shame for keeping the child locked up for so long,
And was scared that it would be destroyed
For its failings

And I reminded him we are the same,
And he is loved,
And all he did was not his fault,
We were doing it to ourselves.

And the walls started thinning out,
And as they did, another presence came out,
And it was full of rage and anger
At the guard, so the guard shrank back.

And the Avenger came from the shadows,
Screaming that this is unfair,
Why has this been covered up for so long?
And he was thirsty for blood

And we let him be angry,
And let him be thirsty,
Until we remembered that we were the same
The guard, the avenger, and the observer

And We reminded ourselves that we had done the best we could,
And we were all responsible for the wall,
And we were all trying to help the child,
In the best way we knew how

And we were loved,
And allowed to be angry,
And scared,
And hurt.

And the avenger threw visions
Of cousins pinned to walls
With vile threats of death and dismemberment,
And an uncle bloodied and bruised

And the walls thinned out to reveal a hallway,
And there were spinning colors at the end
And a nauseous feeling filled our bellies,
Deep, deep inside.

And the guard flinched with guilt
For keeping the child locked up,
And for fear of the avenger
And we observed ourselves as one

And a wooden door became visible
With vertically running strips of dark metal
About one and a half inches thick
And in the upper center was a window

The window was lined with iron bars,
And inside there was a couch,
With a film projector, projecting onto the wall
And on the couch, entranced was the child

And the nausea filled our bellies
And we tried to make out the film that was playing
Over and over on repeat,
But could only get the gist

There was a bed,
And vomit,
And guilt,
And shame

And I know the place,
My brother on the bed, had vomited
And I felt the urge to vomit,
And then it goes blank

And we tried to communicate with the child,
But he was entranced in the film,
Unable to pull away
And we tried to remind him

We were the same,
We are here to help you
And a lightness came into our bellies,
And it felt OK for a second

But no deeper did it get.
And the film still remained blurry,
And it was time to go
So we said goodbye, and started out the hallway.

And the child faded,
And the avenger faded,
And the guard faded,
And the nausea remained.

Inside

Please excuse me,
but I must go inside now
To try and find,
What I have always searched for.

This is not a rejection,
or insult to the external.
This is in appreciation for that,
which the external has taught.

I must face the scary thing,
or things, that hide within,
and follow the signposts,
I have been confusing for destinations.

This may take days, or weeks,
months or years,
eons perhaps,
the timeline is of no concern.

What is of concern is the intent,
to dig as deep as possible,
and find the hurt thing,
that has been calling out, in pain and love.

To comfort the guard who has,
locked the hurt thing up,
and thank it for the job it has done,
in keeping us safe.

To loosen the grips,
On that those parts I have held on to
And begged “please stay forever”,
I will say, “you are free, to do as you wish”.

To find the parts of me,
That scream “LOOK AWAY”,
And let them wail, as long as they must
Until the yells turn into song

Until the tears flowing from their eyes,
morph into a river of feelings
That have been waiting to be acknowledged,
Forever, as part of me

To let each part of me that feels divided,
Know it is not.
Know that we are in this together,
Know that it is loved, as it is.

Yes, I am scared to go inside
Yes, I am scared that in the end I will come back defeated.
Yes, I am scared that what I feel is in me will not be found.

But still, I must go inside,
Because that is where the signs have all been pointing,
And still the last place I thought to look
So now I look.

This Too

And there was never a war,
It was always misguided love,
There were never bombs, bullets, or fists
Just adoration and longing

When both sides of my soul finally realize,
That continuing to fight the other
Is to continue to fight itself,
But have forgotten how to drop their guards

A paradox,
A problem unsolvable by the mind
A puzzle larger than “me”,
But experienced by “me”

I guess all that’s left to do,
Is sit and watch,
And Wait
This too with compassion

And hope that the truth,
Can pull together two parts,
And make them whole,
Again

Lost

Deep, Deep,
Trapped In A Cage,
Scarred, Bruised And Bloody,
Poor Thing
I’m Coming For You,
Please Believe Me,
Each Breath Is Closer,
To Letting You Shine
Hold On,
I Promise,
Hold On

Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I know Your here right now,
I can’t see You,
I can’t feel You,
But I know.

Cat and mouse worked for a while,
A sideways glance,
A joining experience,
But I am done with sticks and carrots.

Whatever the trauma was that caused this separation,
My penance is done.
Hell and Heaven have been played out,

No more reflections of reflections,
projected onto puppets,
Where attachment comes into play
And You hide again.

No more experiences,
Where you come and dance with me,
Only to get scared off,
And find the darkest nook to hide in.

I will not destroy worlds to find You anymore,
Because the harder I look, the better You hide.
I will not accept a token blessing,
That just extends the maze.

I don’t know what happened,
But no longer can I pretend.

You are with me in this moment, no matter how hidden,
You are inside me right now, no matter how dark it seems.
And I Love You, and long for You to come back
To where you rightly belong.

In this paradise, with me.

You

In the end I think it was not fair
To assign my internal world to you
Just because I did not know how to love my own sorrow, beauty, sensuality, pain, grace, fear, love
I hid from them all
I threw them on you, and blamed you for them, and envied you for them
I plead for them all back, to learn to be at peace with the wholeness that is within me
So that you can be at peace with the wholeness that is within you
We are strong enough for this,
We are big enough for this,
I am ready to own who I truly am,
and to see you for the first time as you truly are.