This Is Just A Rant

I feel so fucking lost,
I have searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched for peace within myself.

Now I know it is inside myself, but the searching part of me is so trained to search, that it cant just accept that something is there, and let it be.  The only times I have ever truly relaxed was when I was high, or when I was graced with a larger perspective.

I know the larger perspective is available, as drugs are no longer an option, but I can’t make it fucking come.  I just sit and wait, and it doesn’t come.  In total I have lived 40 years on earth, had 2 years of peace from drugs, and a total of about 7 months peace from the gift of a larger perspective.  That does not seem right.

I am told to relax, when I have never learned how to relax. I don’t know what I do to relax.  Everything that used to provide temporary distraction doesn’t seem to work right now.

I’m frustrated, and feel very alone. I have a wonderful life, and am surrounded by beautiful people, but the voice that searches keeps searching.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick that fucking football, and a part of me is Lucy, pulling it away.

I just don’t fucking know today………… It all feels so distant, and so close at the same time.

Fuck.

This life is so confusing for me, and part of me knows it is so simple.

I think too much, I know, and I don’t know how to not think, but I have done it.

Fuck.

If anyone reading this can relate, or knows what is going on, pray, dance, sing, cry, do whatever you do. If you are in the struggle, I empathize. If you have peace, please send some.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I know how to earn things, and it seems this is something that can not be earned, only remembered.  I have such a backstory that clouds my perspective, that I don’t know how to let go.  I know it is all in the present moment, and can’t find out how to look.

I have learned to process my emotions, and am letting them in, without judging, and they just keep coming.

But the ratio between the times I have known peace, and the struggle is severely unbalanced in favor of the latter.  That can’t be right, I haven’t done anything to deserve that, in a world where balance is the key.

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from everything else, while aware I am not at all separate, and the prison I am in is my of my own design.  I have the key, I made the lock, but I have no idea how to implement the fucking things.

This is just a rant, just a bunch of stuff in me that I want to yell out.  I will keep looking in silence.  I will keep being, I will keep earning if necessary.  A part of me is frustrated, and that part is taking the focus right now.

I know there is peace,
I know it is all love,
I know more than I know anything else,
Just walking I guess.

Finding The Child

And I came to the place where the Guard was standing,
And could feel the thickness of the walls he was guarding.

And he would not let us in,
So we sat, and felt the walls,
And felt the hurt,
Until we remembered we were the same thing

And the guard was scared,
And felt shame for keeping the child locked up for so long,
And was scared that it would be destroyed
For its failings

And I reminded him we are the same,
And he is loved,
And all he did was not his fault,
We were doing it to ourselves.

And the walls started thinning out,
And as they did, another presence came out,
And it was full of rage and anger
At the guard, so the guard shrank back.

And the Avenger came from the shadows,
Screaming that this is unfair,
Why has this been covered up for so long?
And he was thirsty for blood

And we let him be angry,
And let him be thirsty,
Until we remembered that we were the same
The guard, the avenger, and the observer

And We reminded ourselves that we had done the best we could,
And we were all responsible for the wall,
And we were all trying to help the child,
In the best way we knew how

And we were loved,
And allowed to be angry,
And scared,
And hurt.

And the avenger threw visions
Of cousins pinned to walls
With vile threats of death and dismemberment,
And an uncle bloodied and bruised

And the walls thinned out to reveal a hallway,
And there were spinning colors at the end
And a nauseous feeling filled our bellies,
Deep, deep inside.

And the guard flinched with guilt
For keeping the child locked up,
And for fear of the avenger
And we observed ourselves as one

And a wooden door became visible
With vertically running strips of dark metal
About one and a half inches thick
And in the upper center was a window

The window was lined with iron bars,
And inside there was a couch,
With a film projector, projecting onto the wall
And on the couch, entranced was the child

And the nausea filled our bellies
And we tried to make out the film that was playing
Over and over on repeat,
But could only get the gist

There was a bed,
And vomit,
And guilt,
And shame

And I know the place,
My brother on the bed, had vomited
And I felt the urge to vomit,
And then it goes blank

And we tried to communicate with the child,
But he was entranced in the film,
Unable to pull away
And we tried to remind him

We were the same,
We are here to help you
And a lightness came into our bellies,
And it felt OK for a second

But no deeper did it get.
And the film still remained blurry,
And it was time to go
So we said goodbye, and started out the hallway.

And the child faded,
And the avenger faded,
And the guard faded,
And the nausea remained.

Inside

Please excuse me,
but I must go inside now
To try and find,
What I have always searched for.

This is not a rejection,
or insult to the external.
This is in appreciation for that,
which the external has taught.

I must face the scary thing,
or things, that hide within,
and follow the signposts,
I have been confusing for destinations.

This may take days, or weeks,
months or years,
eons perhaps,
the timeline is of no concern.

What is of concern is the intent,
to dig as deep as possible,
and find the hurt thing,
that has been calling out, in pain and love.

To comfort the guard who has,
locked the hurt thing up,
and thank it for the job it has done,
in keeping us safe.

To loosen the grips,
On that those parts I have held on to
And begged “please stay forever”,
I will say, “you are free, to do as you wish”.

To find the parts of me,
That scream “LOOK AWAY”,
And let them wail, as long as they must
Until the yells turn into song

Until the tears flowing from their eyes,
morph into a river of feelings
That have been waiting to be acknowledged,
Forever, as part of me

To let each part of me that feels divided,
Know it is not.
Know that we are in this together,
Know that it is loved, as it is.

Yes, I am scared to go inside
Yes, I am scared that in the end I will come back defeated.
Yes, I am scared that what I feel is in me will not be found.

But still, I must go inside,
Because that is where the signs have all been pointing,
And still the last place I thought to look
So now I look.

This Too

And there was never a war,
It was always misguided love,
There were never bombs, bullets, or fists
Just adoration and longing

When both sides of my soul finally realize,
That continuing to fight the other
Is to continue to fight itself,
But have forgotten how to drop their guards

A paradox,
A problem unsolvable by the mind
A puzzle larger than “me”,
But experienced by “me”

I guess all that’s left to do,
Is sit and watch,
And Wait
This too with compassion

And hope that the truth,
Can pull together two parts,
And make them whole,
Again

Lost

Deep, Deep,
Trapped In A Cage,
Scarred, Bruised And Bloody,
Poor Thing
I’m Coming For You,
Please Believe Me,
Each Breath Is Closer,
To Letting You Shine
Hold On,
I Promise,
Hold On

Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I know Your here right now,
I can’t see You,
I can’t feel You,
But I know.

Cat and mouse worked for a while,
A sideways glance,
A joining experience,
But I am done with sticks and carrots.

Whatever the trauma was that caused this separation,
My penance is done.
Hell and Heaven have been played out,

No more reflections of reflections,
projected onto puppets,
Where attachment comes into play
And You hide again.

No more experiences,
Where you come and dance with me,
Only to get scared off,
And find the darkest nook to hide in.

I will not destroy worlds to find You anymore,
Because the harder I look, the better You hide.
I will not accept a token blessing,
That just extends the maze.

I don’t know what happened,
But no longer can I pretend.

You are with me in this moment, no matter how hidden,
You are inside me right now, no matter how dark it seems.
And I Love You, and long for You to come back
To where you rightly belong.

In this paradise, with me.