I feel so fucking lost,
I have searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched for peace within myself.

Now I know it is inside myself, but the searching part of me is so trained to search, that it cant just accept that something is there, and let it be.  The only times I have ever truly relaxed was when I was high, or when I was graced with a larger perspective.

I know the larger perspective is available, as drugs are no longer an option, but I can’t make it fucking come.  I just sit and wait, and it doesn’t come.  In total I have lived 40 years on earth, had 2 years of peace from drugs, and a total of about 7 months peace from the gift of a larger perspective.  That does not seem right.

I am told to relax, when I have never learned how to relax. I don’t know what I do to relax.  Everything that used to provide temporary distraction doesn’t seem to work right now.

I’m frustrated, and feel very alone. I have a wonderful life, and am surrounded by beautiful people, but the voice that searches keeps searching.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick that fucking football, and a part of me is Lucy, pulling it away.

I just don’t fucking know today………… It all feels so distant, and so close at the same time.

Fuck.

This life is so confusing for me, and part of me knows it is so simple.

I think too much, I know, and I don’t know how to not think, but I have done it.

Fuck.

If anyone reading this can relate, or knows what is going on, pray, dance, sing, cry, do whatever you do. If you are in the struggle, I empathize. If you have peace, please send some.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I know how to earn things, and it seems this is something that can not be earned, only remembered.  I have such a backstory that clouds my perspective, that I don’t know how to let go.  I know it is all in the present moment, and can’t find out how to look.

I have learned to process my emotions, and am letting them in, without judging, and they just keep coming.

But the ratio between the times I have known peace, and the struggle is severely unbalanced in favor of the latter.  That can’t be right, I haven’t done anything to deserve that, in a world where balance is the key.

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from everything else, while aware I am not at all separate, and the prison I am in is my of my own design.  I have the key, I made the lock, but I have no idea how to implement the fucking things.

This is just a rant, just a bunch of stuff in me that I want to yell out.  I will keep looking in silence.  I will keep being, I will keep earning if necessary.  A part of me is frustrated, and that part is taking the focus right now.

I know there is peace,
I know it is all love,
I know more than I know anything else,
Just walking I guess.

And I came to the place where the Guard was standing,
And could feel the thickness of the walls he was guarding.

And he would not let us in,
So we sat, and felt the walls,
And felt the hurt,
Until we remembered we were the same thing

And the guard was scared,
And felt shame for keeping the child locked up for so long,
And was scared that it would be destroyed
For its failings

And I reminded him we are the same,
And he is loved,
And all he did was not his fault,
We were doing it to ourselves.

And the walls started thinning out,
And as they did, another presence came out,
And it was full of rage and anger
At the guard, so the guard shrank back.

And the Avenger came from the shadows,
Screaming that this is unfair,
Why has this been covered up for so long?
And he was thirsty for blood

And we let him be angry,
And let him be thirsty,
Until we remembered that we were the same
The guard, the avenger, and the observer

And We reminded ourselves that we had done the best we could,
And we were all responsible for the wall,
And we were all trying to help the child,
In the best way we knew how

And we were loved,
And allowed to be angry,
And scared,
And hurt.

And the avenger threw visions
Of cousins pinned to walls
With vile threats of death and dismemberment,
And an uncle bloodied and bruised

And the walls thinned out to reveal a hallway,
And there were spinning colors at the end
And a nauseous feeling filled our bellies,
Deep, deep inside.

And the guard flinched with guilt
For keeping the child locked up,
And for fear of the avenger
And we observed ourselves as one

And a wooden door became visible
With vertically running strips of dark metal
About one and a half inches thick
And in the upper center was a window

The window was lined with iron bars,
And inside there was a couch,
With a film projector, projecting onto the wall
And on the couch, entranced was the child

And the nausea filled our bellies
And we tried to make out the film that was playing
Over and over on repeat,
But could only get the gist

There was a bed,
And vomit,
And guilt,
And shame

And I know the place,
My brother on the bed, had vomited
And I felt the urge to vomit,
And then it goes blank

And we tried to communicate with the child,
But he was entranced in the film,
Unable to pull away
And we tried to remind him

We were the same,
We are here to help you
And a lightness came into our bellies,
And it felt OK for a second

But no deeper did it get.
And the film still remained blurry,
And it was time to go
So we said goodbye, and started out the hallway.

And the child faded,
And the avenger faded,
And the guard faded,
And the nausea remained.

Please excuse me,
but I must go inside now
To try and find,
What I have always searched for.

And there was never a war,
It was always misguided love,
There were never bombs, bullets, or fists
Just adoration and longing

We are not in the universe,
We are part of it,
And as beautiful and worthy,
As all the other parts

Deep, Deep,
Trapped In A Cage,
Scarred, Bruised And Bloody,
Poor Thing
I’m Coming For You,
Please Believe Me,
Each Breath Is Closer,
To Letting You Shine
Hold On,
I Promise,
Hold On

Dear Beloved,

I know Your here right now,
I can’t see You,
I can’t feel You,
But I know.

Swirling lights dance through my body
And this has been here the whole time,
Thank You