Inside

Please excuse me,
but I must go inside now
To try and find,
What I have always searched for.

This is not a rejection,
or insult to the external.
This is in appreciation for that,
which the external has taught.

I must face the scary thing,
or things, that hide within,
and follow the signposts,
I have been confusing for destinations.

This may take days, or weeks,
months or years,
eons perhaps,
the timeline is of no concern.

What is of concern is the intent,
to dig as deep as possible,
and find the hurt thing,
that has been calling out, in pain and love.

To comfort the guard who has,
locked the hurt thing up,
and thank it for the job it has done,
in keeping us safe.

To loosen the grips,
On that those parts I have held on to
And begged “please stay forever”,
I will say, “you are free, to do as you wish”.

To find the parts of me,
That scream “LOOK AWAY”,
And let them wail, as long as they must
Until the yells turn into song

Until the tears flowing from their eyes,
morph into a river of feelings
That have been waiting to be acknowledged,
Forever, as part of me

To let each part of me that feels divided,
Know it is not.
Know that we are in this together,
Know that it is loved, as it is.

Yes, I am scared to go inside
Yes, I am scared that in the end I will come back defeated.
Yes, I am scared that what I feel is in me will not be found.

But still, I must go inside,
Because that is where the signs have all been pointing,
And still the last place I thought to look
So now I look.

This Too

And there was never a war,
It was always misguided love,
There were never bombs, bullets, or fists
Just adoration and longing

When both sides of my soul finally realize,
That continuing to fight the other
Is to continue to fight itself,
But have forgotten how to drop their guards

A paradox,
A problem unsolvable by the mind
A puzzle larger than “me”,
But experienced by “me”

I guess all that’s left to do,
Is sit and watch,
And Wait
This too with compassion

And hope that the truth,
Can pull together two parts,
And make them whole,
Again

Lost

Deep, Deep,
Trapped In A Cage,
Scarred, Bruised And Bloody,
Poor Thing
I’m Coming For You,
Please Believe Me,
Each Breath Is Closer,
To Letting You Shine
Hold On,
I Promise,
Hold On

Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I know Your here right now,
I can’t see You,
I can’t feel You,
But I know.

Cat and mouse worked for a while,
A sideways glance,
A joining experience,
But I am done with sticks and carrots.

Whatever the trauma was that caused this separation,
My penance is done.
Hell and Heaven have been played out,

No more reflections of reflections,
projected onto puppets,
Where attachment comes into play
And You hide again.

No more experiences,
Where you come and dance with me,
Only to get scared off,
And find the darkest nook to hide in.

I will not destroy worlds to find You anymore,
Because the harder I look, the better You hide.
I will not accept a token blessing,
That just extends the maze.

I don’t know what happened,
But no longer can I pretend.

You are with me in this moment, no matter how hidden,
You are inside me right now, no matter how dark it seems.
And I Love You, and long for You to come back
To where you rightly belong.

In this paradise, with me.

You

In the end I think it was not fair
To assign my internal world to you
Just because I did not know how to love my own sorrow, beauty, sensuality, pain, grace, fear, love
I hid from them all
I threw them on you, and blamed you for them, and envied you for them
I plead for them all back, to learn to be at peace with the wholeness that is within me
So that you can be at peace with the wholeness that is within you
We are strong enough for this,
We are big enough for this,
I am ready to own who I truly am,
and to see you for the first time as you truly are.

Release

Universe,
I am ready to let go, and have forgotten how
I am tired of holding a part of you and saying it is mine,
Clutching, grasping,
I give you permission to remove from me whatever needs to be removed
Add whatever Needs to be added
I will allow in whatever needs to come in,
And sit with it as a friend
Please allow me authenticity,
To Dance, Play and sing in the beauty of what you are
And not the story I have made for what I wanted YOu to be
I release myself to you