WHen I was 6 years old a lie was planted so deep in me, that my world was always skewed hard
Two people my family trusted completely molested me, and when I was sand and needed comfort, told me he would kill my family if I told anyone or ever talked about it again.
At that moment, my truth was I needed support through a tramatic experience, but if I even thought about that being allowed my family died.
I walked down the stairs to that house at 6 years old, and the next memeory I have is at 7. That is where I learned to dissassote. Thats where every thogutht I had needed to be filtered so I didn’t remember the thing, that if I remembered I would be the cause of my families pain..
He had created an incompleteness, an escherian loop, a self referencing lie.
And I had to do everything I can to believe the lie was true, otherwise I would kill my family.
ANd my mind was constantly searching for this lie, destroying any systems along the way that felt inauthentic, hurting anyone I felt was hinding or holding back my truth.
And now I know the lie, and I can stop searching so hard for the lie.
I don’t know what that means, but I know I can admit that I was molsted, and told that me and my family would be killed, by a man who could do it, and I am still strong enough to stand up and say this happened and I need support.
I want to thank my wife Nikki for giving me the last four years to dig through my sexuality to get to the point I could catch the lie I have been searching for. She gave me such loving space, and had no idea what was happening. She stood by me when she could not understand what I was doing, and to her it looked like I was trying to destroy our relationship.
I so appreciate her trush, support and communication during the last 22 years, and the sacrafices of herself she made, in blind faith. I don’t know how to repay her, she got hurt bad, and gained so little, but will try my hardest.
This is probably my last post for a while. I have been searching so long, and now its time to help my family heal, as they right there with me the whole way, even when there was no hope.
I am so appreciative of everyone I met along the way, and if you got hurt due to my pain I appologize, and would like to make it right.
I love you.