As a child in second grade, I recall being in a room with a group of other children, much larger than me, learning how to do sign language. I would get pulled out of class and go to this group, and then come back. I didn’t know it, but I was in GATE, an antiquated program for “gifted” children. My gift is pattern matching.
We all use pattern matching daily, in every aspect of our lives. It is what allows each of us to “optimize” our experience. We notice healthy patterns, and if we have self worth, we focus on those, and others who represent those.
We also notice unhealthy patterns, and also depending on self worth decide to avoid those, and others who resonate at that frequency.
My specific skill is being able to pattern match so well, that I can learn and emulate a high level of proficiency at something that I have barely put any attention in. Many people are sponges, I am a sponge with an exponential modifier on it to boost output. In every quantitative class I have taken, I will find the person that is better than me, and idolize them until I surpass them, and then feel lonely.
One area where I pattern match really well is when it comes to cognitive dissonance. Long story short, when others actions, words, and energy are all saying different things, my being goes nuts trying to figure out which of the energies to trust. I put a little marker there and and start observing. What I have found, is that most people I have gotten close to, hide their intent or insecurities behind a wall of confusing energy.
It is the same as obfuscation in computer programming. They take pretty, real code that does something, and make it impossible to read by changing everything to symbols and removing all spaces and over complicating simple functions. It does nothing to improve anything, and only creates ownership, as now only the person who wrote the code can own it, and they can tell anyone else whatever they want about it, as nobody can prove different.
It destroys intimacy (don’t confuse intimacy with sex, its a rookie mistake)
I hate it.
If you do this stop it. If you can’t, then remove yourself from those who you do it to. It is not an acceptable human behavior, and I consider it in line with Brainwashing. Intent doesn’t matter, if you cannot communicate your whole being, own it, and work on it til you can.
Come correct or fuck off. Intimacy means owning shit, and communicating it. If you are not at that place, don’t tell people you are looking for intimacy, tell them you are looking to use someone to fill a hole until you figure out your shit. Great, I get that. Then say it.
I for one would rather be absolutely alone.