So today, it occurred to me.
I had a feeling I was close to it over the past year, but it kept flirting with me, getting closer, and pulling away.
My mind keeps trying to make me prove myself. It does this by a constant underpinning of judgmental thoughts that are internally directed. These thoughts are then superimposed on things in the outside world: circumstances, situations, and people.
For example, if a person has a funny look on their face, my mind will say “well, that’s because they think your a jerk”. Then I will get in an internal debate about whether or not I am a jerk. All this time, that person doesn’t know I even exist. My mind has used their face as ammunition to get into a debate with myself.
I Am Not What My Mind Says, Or How I Feel This Moment
This thought came while I was looking for a job, and was feeling like I would never get hired because I am not smart enough, trained enough, whatever enough.
Then it hit me, I am intelligent, hard working, honest person no matter if I get hired or not. This is just true.
Which leads to the second part of the revelation:
The Core Truths About Myself Are Permanent
They have been around for as long as I can remember. They do not change, no matter if the mind agrees with them or not.
No matter what my head says, these thoughts do not trump the PERMANENT TRUTH of my Being. The thoughts and feelings will dissipate, but the facts are still the facts.
These thoughts and feelings are illusions. They try to prove to myself ,through outside validation, things that are already true at my core. At their best they give me a tiny glimpse of my true self.
At their worst they are demons who are intent on devouring any idea that I have that I am worthy to live on a planet with you.
So, here are my truths. I am not saying them for them to be validated, but instead to own that no matter what my mind and body say, I am:
Overflowing with Love For Others
Passionate about What I Believe In
Very Intellignet (sp?)
Funny as Shit
Quick To Forgive
A Relentless Seeker
Devoted to Those I Love
A Loving Son
A Good Brother
Have a Natural Musical Talent
A Beautiful Free Spirit
An Amazing Father
A Hard Worker
An OK Writer
A Loving, Loyal Husband
A Dedicated Employee
A Quick Learner
A Good Friend
A Lover of Life
A Beautiful, Flattering, and Necessary Part of This Universe