This Is Just A Rant

I feel so fucking lost,
I have searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched and searched for peace within myself.

Now I know it is inside myself, but the searching part of me is so trained to search, that it cant just accept that something is there, and let it be.  The only times I have ever truly relaxed was when I was high, or when I was graced with a larger perspective.

I know the larger perspective is available, as drugs are no longer an option, but I can’t make it fucking come.  I just sit and wait, and it doesn’t come.  In total I have lived 40 years on earth, had 2 years of peace from drugs, and a total of about 7 months peace from the gift of a larger perspective.  That does not seem right.

I am told to relax, when I have never learned how to relax. I don’t know what I do to relax.  Everything that used to provide temporary distraction doesn’t seem to work right now.

I’m frustrated, and feel very alone. I have a wonderful life, and am surrounded by beautiful people, but the voice that searches keeps searching.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick that fucking football, and a part of me is Lucy, pulling it away.

I just don’t fucking know today………… It all feels so distant, and so close at the same time.

Fuck.

This life is so confusing for me, and part of me knows it is so simple.

I think too much, I know, and I don’t know how to not think, but I have done it.

Fuck.

If anyone reading this can relate, or knows what is going on, pray, dance, sing, cry, do whatever you do. If you are in the struggle, I empathize. If you have peace, please send some.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I know how to earn things, and it seems this is something that can not be earned, only remembered.  I have such a backstory that clouds my perspective, that I don’t know how to let go.  I know it is all in the present moment, and can’t find out how to look.

I have learned to process my emotions, and am letting them in, without judging, and they just keep coming.

But the ratio between the times I have known peace, and the struggle is severely unbalanced in favor of the latter.  That can’t be right, I haven’t done anything to deserve that, in a world where balance is the key.

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from everything else, while aware I am not at all separate, and the prison I am in is my of my own design.  I have the key, I made the lock, but I have no idea how to implement the fucking things.

This is just a rant, just a bunch of stuff in me that I want to yell out.  I will keep looking in silence.  I will keep being, I will keep earning if necessary.  A part of me is frustrated, and that part is taking the focus right now.

I know there is peace,
I know it is all love,
I know more than I know anything else,
Just walking I guess.

3 thoughts on “This Is Just A Rant

  1. I have felt the same but more early in recovery. What helped me just fell into place. It was work with a counselor on my inner child.
    It was a painful, yet exciting almost 9 month journey.
    Early steps were:Journaling, sharing and most important visualization meditation where I learned to connect to my third eye.
    I will continue prayers and surrounding you with a peaceful light.
    Oh the other thing was a lot of day trips to Goat Rock to just sit in the power of the elements.
    Blessings to you Daryl.

    Like

    1. Thank you Judy, I know my inner kid was beat up by all sorts of things, and am working on sitting with it. The amount of crying I have done for no particular reason and the intesity of emotion is something I have never known before. Some days it just feels like its going nowhere. Thank you for the words of encouragment 🙂

      Like

  2. Daryl, I feel you brother, I think that we all go through this, we just don’t express it so we internalize it, letting it fester, and eat us alive from the inside out. Thankfully, we don’t all feel this way at the same time! I don’t know what else to say without sounding like I have the specific answer for you. I just know that as long as I strive for the best me each day, I have a chance at being that person. I am in no way consistent in this approach, I fail more often than I succeed, but I know that I can reach out to one of many people in my life and it can change everything. Thanks for sharing this. I hope we see each other soon….I love you brother!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s